New beginnings/transitions by the door/landmark moments

It has begun. The planning and shaping of a routine. The passing of a new season, a new start, a new beginning. Photos by the door, copy books, pencils, a new pencil case and a brand new school bag. 

The first day of school. Early to bed and early to rise with hair washed and brushed. Iron fresh clothes and new footwear laid out ready for the new start. 

At 7am, she assembled herself at the table, mumbling thanks through toast and porridge before gathering the remains of herself along with her sleepy eyes to the front door. 

Before the dew had left, she was on board a shiny white bus heading for her new school. A sharp exit after a long preparation that many parents will know. A right of passage if you like. A thread loosened between you and your child as they move one step closer to adulthood. 

Secondary school is a step

She is ready and she is not ready.

Many of us will remember that first knot of discomfort on the first day of school. Being new and unknowing. Old friendships may no longer provide the assurances they once did. They are no longer in step with their primary school life. Perhaps, secondary school was long overdue, they had outgrown old friends and patterns. For some, it is a time to caste off old beliefs about themselves and declare positive affirmations for the future. 

Over the summer, we did just that. Inspired by my friend Jessie, (who has been spear-heading some really important girl group work in Wales), my daughter and I wrote our own declarations and hopes for her and her future. We then collected all of our writing and cast them off first into a fire and then for us…scattering the embers across a beautiful Lough. We had fun dressing and preparing for this little ritual moment. We thought about things we want to let go of but also what we want to cherish and love. It inspired all kinds of conversations about life, what and who she wants to be. Things to set free. Moments of clarity about the past, let downs and those awful put downs that young people suffer. 

I’ve raised a gentle soul who tries her level best not to colour outside the lines but lately, I have been actively encouraging her to do things differently. Do things wrong, mess up wherever possible. Trying on those feelings and figure out how to manage them.

So, where do you start when confidence is often seen as loud and dominant?

A few years back, I remember researching “authentic leadership” with a bunch of people taking part in the Arts Extend Leadership course. One of the real take-aways for me was about the different types of leaders that we celebrate. Quiet leaders are often thoughtful and reflective, concentrating on the task at hand and taking their time to reach a view, rather than jumping to conclusions. 

They are often people who will speak when they have something important to add, rather than speaking for the sake of it. The quiet Leader is more reserved and reflective. They don’t talk over people, or project the idea that they’re better or know more than others. 

In school, people can confuse a quiet gentle soul as a pushover. I think we should pay attention to the quiet ones and celebrate them for who they are. Secondary school may be a challenge for those kinds of young people. In our house, we have had a number of conversations about how to hold onto yourself in a new space. To stand on your two feet. Resist the urge to puff yourself out or let fear take you and make yourself small. How do you maintain your identity or work to discover a new identity without feeling that you should conform with your peers or follow a tribe? How do you deal with difficult people who are busy inching their way into your space? How do you hold onto your inner voice, your metal, your compass amongst all of this and remain KIND?

I don’t have the answers. My only gift right now is TIME. The daily debriefs that I am in receipt of pretty much every day after 4.30pm. There is a shedding, a debate and some good reflection. This won’t happen for long but while it does, I am there connected to that invisible thread that sits between us.

While there appears to be a good amount of wholesome advice about how to manage the transition into secondary school, we are practicing the art of noticing and listening as she finds her voice, good friendships and maintains her compass. 

Building resilience in young people should sit alongside the school curriculum. It should focus on how we help young people to manage and adapt with the ups and downs of daily life. It should begin in primary school. Developing healthy friendships, loneliness, kindness, setting boundaries and empathy and talking. Secondary school should be a place where all of these attributes are fostered and encouraged. All while having fun!

Each young person will have different anxieties or concerns. My only tuppenceworth is TIME. Give them time to think and talk it through. 

For our little family, we are a solid 8/10 for the month of September (we have had the odd day as 7/10). So, keep the chat alive and have a cup of tea.

Here is some of the guidance to parenting a young teenager starting secondary school:

• Don’t stand in the street to speak to the school bus driver at departure or return!
• Do not pack the school bag (I wholeheartedly agree with this rule)
• Encourage them to colour code books/folders so they are easy to find and connect with the timetable
• Get a good decent school bag https://schoolbags.ie/collections/ridge53-backpacks 
• Do not crowd them and try and sort everything out for them, take time instead to listen 
• Give them a small printout of their timetable to carry round with them (this idea was given to me by another parent- thanks Geraldine!)
• Get the best snacks and a decent lunch box- we have a collapsable one like this: https://www.ikea.com/ie/en/p/fjaerma-food-container-collapsible-light-grey-40467510/
• Label everything- things simply disappear into thin air otherwise
• Get your young person to bed early- everyone needs a good sleep pattern
• Make sure your young person has a good healthy diet 
• Make sure there is a dedicated space set aside for them to do their homework at home
• Encourage them to do their homework quite soon after they get home. Don’t leave it till late in the evening. It creates misery and leads to stress and tiredness
• Expect the first month to be exhausting, lighten up on the clubs
• Make time for them to talk to you. Set aside a time of day for a debrief. Keep it time limited.